I'm afraid of the dark.

Yep.  I said it.  I am afraid of the dark.  Well, I guess it's not really the dark itself but more of what is in or could be in the dark.  When Denver is away over night I hardly sleep.  I'm always afraid someone is going to break in and get us while he's gone.  I lay in bed staring at the door watching for someone.  I run through my mind what I would do if someone did break in...how would I get to the boys...where is my phone...how could we get out of the house.  I know...I'm crazy.  It probably doesn't help that I really enjoy watching all those crime and cops shows on television.

I'm afraid of other things too.  I'm not talking about snakes or spiders although I can't say I'm particularly fond of them, but I'm thinking more about life.  Things that could happen. 

Sometimes when I read or hear stories about families with small children who suffer from awful diseases, it scares me.  It makes me grateful for the health of my children, but it also causes fear.  I mean, if it could happen to their kids then it could happen to mine.  That's scary stuff and I often wonder if I could handle going through something like that.

It scares me to think about myself becoming sick or hurt.  I mean, what if I had cancer or was in a serious car accident.  I know that Denver loves the boys beyond belief and would take wonderful care of them, but children need their mom right?  I love those little boogers.

The thing that is scaring me recently though is Denver's return trip to Haiti.  I wasn't really scared the first time he went.  I was anxious, but not fearful.  A week and a half before he went last time, I was on my own mission trip, so maybe I was just more distracted that time.  Whatever the reason, this time I am scared.  What if something happens to him?  What would I do without him?  What would the boys do without their daddy?  How could we keep our house?  Where could I find a job?  Who would watch the boys while I was at my job?  How could I even function without him? 

Denver knows that I have these fears.  He keeps telling me, "Don't be afraid.  God doesn't give us a spirit of fear."  My response is "Yes, dear.  Easy for you to say.  I'm just being realistic."  However, after doing some reading and praying today, I realize what I'm really saying is "My faith is small."

See, Denver has been called to Haiti.  He has no doubt and neither do I.  God has a job for him there.  He's following God's will.  So I'm saying, "God, I don't trust you.  I don't have faith in you."  Ouch....not exactly what I want to say. 

The good news is:

• faith banishes fear
• faith breeds praise
• when I am praising God my fears fade and my faith flourishes. 

So it all starts with a little faith and a little praise.  So I'm going to try.  I'm going to set aside my fears and grab on to my faith.  I am going to praise my Heavenly Father.  I am going to give him my fears and let him work in my life.  I know this doesn't mean that my boys won't get sick, or that I won't have some terrible accident or that Denver is guaranteed to be safe it Haiti.  But it does mean that I trust my God to be with me.  I trust that he has a plan for me and my family.  A plan not to harm us...a plan to give us a hope and a future.  This will be hard for me.  I may need some reminders from my friends.  But this is what I want.  I want to trust...I want to have faith.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"     

Psalm 56:3-4

 

So what are you afraid of today?  What keeps you awake at night?  Do you want to live a life of fear or can you grab on to your faith instead?