The Power of A Voice

Denver has been gone all week.  More than a week actually.  He left last Saturday for Haiti and won't be home until tomorrow night.  It's been a really long week for me.

I've had the boys almost all by myself.  My mom took all the boys for a few hours both Sunday afternoons that he was gone and Eli spent the night at her house on Friday night.  I also had a babysitter on Friday night for the older boys so I was able to go to dinner with a couple of girl friends.  We had a great time laughing and enjoying ourselves.  I really appreciated the breaks here and there.  I love my boys desperately, but sometimes it's nice to have a few minutes to myself and talk to some other "big people".

The really hard part about Denver being in Haiti is that we can't even talk on the phone while he is there.  Our cell phones don't have an international plan and to add it for the week he is gone is really expensive.  We are able to email in the evenings, but by that time in the day Denver has been exhausted, sometimes emails are slow going back and forth, and Denver has to email from his small phone.  It makes it difficult to have a real conversation.

Tonight though, Denver and the guys flew from Haiti to New York.  And guess what?!  I can call New York!!  I was so excited to hear my husband's voice.  It seems like such a small thing, but I found it so comforting...so relaxing...so calming. 

Before his call I had been having a rough evening.  Ben, Caleb and Eli are really missing their dad too.  They always fight amongst each other, but they have been even more emotional and easily irritated by each other.  Tonight though....whew!  They were just going at it.  I finally just lost my cool and I really raised my voice yelled at them.  Wouldn't you know that exactly 3 seconds later there was a knock at my door.  It was the neighbor.  I know he heard me screaming at my kids.  I felt absolutely horrible.  Horrible that he heard and horrible that I lost it.

But you know what?  As soon as I heard Denver's voice...it was all good again.  It is such a blessing to be married to my best friend.  Someone who knows me inside out.  Someone who loves me unconditionally.  Someone who can calm my heart with the smallest word.

I pray that God would continue to help us build and strengthen our marriage.  That it would glorify Him and that we could lead our children and others to know Him better.  Oh what a gift I have been given!

The Things He Says

This morning I took the boys grocery shopping with me.  I very rarely...almost never... take all three of them with me.  I usually wait to go when Denver can be home with them; however, Denver is out of town at a Worship Conference.  If we wanted to eat while he was gone then we all had to go together.

Before we left I told them that if they were really good while I was doing my shopping that we would eat at the McDonald's there in Walmart before we took Ben to school.  We did our shopping and all three of them were pretty good.  Of course Eli wanted out of the cart, Caleb wanted in the cart, and Ben wanted everything he saw...but all an all it was a good trip.

At McDonald's we ordered, found seats, got a million little cups of ketchup (which still didn't turn out being enough), each picked out our own kind of pop and settled down to pray for our food.  As the boys started eating I noticed that there was a television behind me that was giving updates on the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  I asked Ben to switch seats with me so that I could see the television.  After we traded spots, he asked me why I wanted to watch the television.  I told him that there had a been an earthquake in Japan.  He knows what an earthquake is because he's heard about the one in Haiti.  Then I told him a little bit about the tsunami.  He didn't understand that as well and wondered if the people were going to surf on the big waves.

Anyway, if you remember back to a previous post, Big Boy Decisions - Hard for Ben and Mommy, Ben agreed that we wouldn't get a new cat so that we could instead use the money for Denver to go to Haiti again. 

So today a few minutes after telling Ben about Japan's earthquake he looks at me and says, "Is Daddy going to Japan to help those people with their earthquake too?"

"No, Daddy isn't going to Japan.  He's still just going to Haiti."  I replied.

Ben smacks his hand to his forehead in relief and says, "I hope the boys and girls in Japan get their schools and homes fixed, but I'm glad Daddy's not going cause then we could NEVER get another cat!"

Oh my Ben.  How I love you.

When I told Denver on the phone later this afternoon, his response was "ahh...the priorities of a little boy."

Ben didn't mention anything else about the earthquake the rest of the day.  But tonight when we went to bed he prayed for the people in Japan.  And he didn't once mention a cat.  It made me a proud mama.  It's hard for all of us to think of those outside our own little world sometimes...sometimes it takes a six-year-old to remind me.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Yep.  I said it.  I am afraid of the dark.  Well, I guess it's not really the dark itself but more of what is in or could be in the dark.  When Denver is away over night I hardly sleep.  I'm always afraid someone is going to break in and get us while he's gone.  I lay in bed staring at the door watching for someone.  I run through my mind what I would do if someone did break in...how would I get to the boys...where is my phone...how could we get out of the house.  I know...I'm crazy.  It probably doesn't help that I really enjoy watching all those crime and cops shows on television.

I'm afraid of other things too.  I'm not talking about snakes or spiders although I can't say I'm particularly fond of them, but I'm thinking more about life.  Things that could happen. 

Sometimes when I read or hear stories about families with small children who suffer from awful diseases, it scares me.  It makes me grateful for the health of my children, but it also causes fear.  I mean, if it could happen to their kids then it could happen to mine.  That's scary stuff and I often wonder if I could handle going through something like that.

It scares me to think about myself becoming sick or hurt.  I mean, what if I had cancer or was in a serious car accident.  I know that Denver loves the boys beyond belief and would take wonderful care of them, but children need their mom right?  I love those little boogers.

The thing that is scaring me recently though is Denver's return trip to Haiti.  I wasn't really scared the first time he went.  I was anxious, but not fearful.  A week and a half before he went last time, I was on my own mission trip, so maybe I was just more distracted that time.  Whatever the reason, this time I am scared.  What if something happens to him?  What would I do without him?  What would the boys do without their daddy?  How could we keep our house?  Where could I find a job?  Who would watch the boys while I was at my job?  How could I even function without him? 

Denver knows that I have these fears.  He keeps telling me, "Don't be afraid.  God doesn't give us a spirit of fear."  My response is "Yes, dear.  Easy for you to say.  I'm just being realistic."  However, after doing some reading and praying today, I realize what I'm really saying is "My faith is small."

See, Denver has been called to Haiti.  He has no doubt and neither do I.  God has a job for him there.  He's following God's will.  So I'm saying, "God, I don't trust you.  I don't have faith in you."  Ouch....not exactly what I want to say. 

The good news is:

• faith banishes fear
• faith breeds praise
• when I am praising God my fears fade and my faith flourishes. 

So it all starts with a little faith and a little praise.  So I'm going to try.  I'm going to set aside my fears and grab on to my faith.  I am going to praise my Heavenly Father.  I am going to give him my fears and let him work in my life.  I know this doesn't mean that my boys won't get sick, or that I won't have some terrible accident or that Denver is guaranteed to be safe it Haiti.  But it does mean that I trust my God to be with me.  I trust that he has a plan for me and my family.  A plan not to harm us...a plan to give us a hope and a future.  This will be hard for me.  I may need some reminders from my friends.  But this is what I want.  I want to trust...I want to have faith.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"     

Psalm 56:3-4

 

So what are you afraid of today?  What keeps you awake at night?  Do you want to live a life of fear or can you grab on to your faith instead? 

Big Boy Decisions - Hard for Ben and Mommy

Our family had two opportunities presented to us today.

Number One - Today Denver went to get some glasses.  We all went along so that I could help Denver pick out his frames.  Of course the boys got antsy while we were waiting, so while Denver was having his exam the boys and I went across the parking lot to Petco.  While we were there the boys found the perfect little kitty.  (As background, our family had some bad experiences with a dog this summer so decided to get the boys a kitten.  The kitten was very sweet, but we think it was given to us to early and it died.  Needless to say, our boys have had a rough time as far as pets go.)  Anyway, today they found this beautiful orange/carmel color 4 month old kitten.  She's already spayed, very sweet, playful, and wasn't scared of my three crazy boys coming at her.

So Denver and I discussed spending the $80.00 to buy her.  On top of the price we would then have to add the price of having her declawed.  (I know, I know...many people don't like the idea of declawing, but that's one of the rules if we have a cat.)  So we're talking somewhere around $150.00 for the cat, but we brought home the application and were really ready to fill it out.  Then came the next opportunity.

Number Two - Denver went to Haiti this summer on a Mission Trip.  He saw and experienced miracles first hand.  It was a once in a life time trip, except now he's getting a second chance to go again.  Denver got an email today from a lady who is starting a Non-Profit Organization to support a school in Haiti that would be ran by the pastor that Denver met and lived with while in Haiti.  The organization is Hearts United with Haiti (http://heartsunitedwithhaiti.blogspot.com/).  The email that he received was asking him to return to Haiti to visit the site of this school and then become Vice President of the Hearts United with Haiti Organization!  What an opportunity!  The downfall is that we would have to come up with the money for this trip on our own.  The $150.00 that we would spend on a kitten is a good start.

So when we look at the two opportunities presented, kitty or Haiti, it's obvious to adults which one is more important in the overall scheme of things.  However, such things are not as clear to a six year old who says, "But this kitty loves me so much."

Tonight at dinner Ben and I were talking about the kitty and his daddy going back to Haiti.  His first comment is that he doesn't want his daddy to go because he'll miss him again.  His second comment is that he really really wants this kitty.  I took some time to talk to Ben about the earthquake in Haiti.  He's heard some of it before from Denver's last trip.  Tonight we talked more about how the boys and girls there still don't have homes or schools.  Children not having schools really bothers Ben as he is a child that absolutely loves school and was really disappointed that Christmas break lasted so long. 

At the end of our conversation I asked Ben if we could pray and ask Jesus to tell us which was more important and what we should spend our money on - a kitty or his daddy's trip to Haiti.  We prayed and when we were finished Ben looked at me with watery eyes and said that his daddy should go help the boys and girls without schools.  What a hard thing for him to say!  I felt so proud of him and felt my heart breaking for him all at the same time.  He made such a big boy decision.

Now, Ben is only six.  He learning to make good choices and isn't always the kindest child.  Also, I'm sure that tomorrow or even before bed tonight he's going to ask for the kitten again, but I am so blessed to have a young boy that can show compassion for others even at his own cost.  Oh, how I love him.